Yesterday, life felt a bit much. I am exhausted, emotionally, mentally and physically. On the way to the yard, I cried in my car. I felt terrible, compounded by a mild sense of panic about seeing my pony and doing our ‘scheduled session for today’ (which I had already pushed back from the day before). Once I’d had a good cry, I got thinking about how I was going to show up for Apollo.
I reflected on our relationship – what does he get from me? Food! Friendship and fun (hopefully). And in return I get to experience a partnership, permission to be playful and curious, a deeper level of awareness, and an invitation to be truly present.
Like all horses, Apollo meets me where I’m at and only asks that I be authentic – there is no hiding true feelings and emotions from a horse, so adept are they at reading every tiny psychosomatic cue (most of which we are not even aware of ourselves)!
His presence leads into a fully embodied consciousness, in which I cannot help but become fully aware of every feeling, emotion, and thought. He cannot heal me the way other human beings can, but he can shine a light on where work needs to be done so that I can do it for myself.
Horses provide opportunities to become more self-aware and better at regulating ourselves, all in a completely non-verbal way. How can we reciprocate such a level of authentic connection, compassion, and, dare I say, love? Well, by doing the work. Because it’s not just about being a better me for me, but as an equal partner, being a better me for him, too.
Because of Apollo, I am more aware (and therefore more cautious) about how I show up at the field. It is not his responsibility or duty to make me feel better (although he does). This new way of being has shaped me into a better reflective practitioner. I am learning to let go of the need to control, of pressure to perform, or the feeling that we “should be doing more”. And instead, asking, “more of what?”. More curiosity, more awareness, more relationship building, more connection…..and that doesn’t look like turning up angry/frustrated/exhausted/overwhelmed and just ‘getting through the next exercise on the plan’. It looks like sitting in the yard and getting grounded before showing up for my pony who deserves a regulated and dependable steward.
It isn’t always easy (I know!) But it’s the least I can do for another being who gives me so much!
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